Tumpul

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

Kadang aku teringat bahwa dulu aku sempat punya keinginan untuk menjadi penulis. Selintas keinginan tanpa keberanian. Yang pada akhirnya aku tahu bahwa aku tidak akan benar-benar mencoba mewujudkan keinginan menjadi penulis. Aku terlanjur mengecilkan nyaliku sendiri.

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Reset

verb (used with object), re·set, re·set·ting.
- to set again:
- to set, adjust, or fix in a new or different way:

verb (used without object), re·set, re·set·ting.
- to become set again:

noun
- an act or instance of setting again.
- an act or instance of setting, adjusting, or fixing something in a new or different way:
- something that is set again.
- a device used in resetting an instrument or control mechanism.

I’m not the type to celebrate New Year but still, I can’t really detach myself from using the moment. Not that I’m using it as a time setting for resolutions because I’m always weak at figuring out what I really want (I somehow lack the ability to visualize the future that I want).

So, what exactly I’m using the New Year moment for?

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December 22nd

I can not recall many things about you, mom. But how I feel about no longer having you is still the same. I still miss you on so many occasions. I’m feeling lonely most of the time, and the more significant reason for the loneliness that I have is you. No longer having you around. No longer having dad around too. I never realized that no parent was this big of a deal because I used to yearn for my time alone (when the truth is, I’m just impatient when you were both still in the picture). How ungrateful I was.

I just don’t know what to say any more on this celebratory day. I want to stay quiet and not say anything, but seeing others celebrate it in their own way, seeing others happiness is blinding. I can not help but feel this ache of missing you.

If there is no one

Di close-knitted community yang sedang aku ikuti, di minggu ini, sedang ada challenge ini:

Challenge-nya sifatnya bebas sih. You can take it if you want, and it’s okay if you pass it. We usually count it as an exercise. When I came across this challenge, at first I’m thinking about doing it. And then I’m contemplating on how and who I’m going to write. And finally decide that I’m gonna pass this challenge. Even though it sounds wonderful and it seems like it would make my heart full.

But the thing is, I’m not in the situation where I’m surrounded by close friend lately. I shut myself and haven’t talk (deeply) to anyone for quiet some time. Aku punya teman, tapi aku tidak punya teman untuk berbagi secara heart to heart. Aku tidak punya teman yang aku bisa berbagi concern dan problem yang sedang kuhadapi. It’s almost seperti 2 tahun belakangan ini aku hanya berkomunikasi dengan orang lain, dengan keluarga, hanya di layer terluar. Berkomunikasi tentang what’s necessary.

Challenge in membuatku sadar kalo aku sedang tidak punya ‘loved ones’ di mana aku ingin menyurati mereka atau memberi pesan kepada mereka tentang hal yang aku sukai dari mereka. And it hit me: how alone and lonely I must feel right now.

Bagaimana aku bisa sampai di kondisi seperti ini?